I continue to catch myself making life harder than it needs to be. Approaching my day as if it is a steep mountain to climb, with no end in sight. Entering into conversations held down and suffocated by the weight of insecurity. A desire to be comfortable and safe. A fear of not being ready. Resentment towards a world that disrupts and intrudes. Then at times I surprise myself, with a sudden burst of energy and presence, a flash of insight and understanding, a childlike delight in this one precious moment. It can feel like the simplest of reminders, that I am here now, that I care about this world and the people in it, that I stand on the edge of enormous potential and possibility. From there, what contribution do I choose to make? What action do I take? Or, as Mary Oliver asks, “what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” I forget and remember every day. 

How could it be any different? The universe exists in constant motion – oscillations and vibrations, cycles and rotations. Back and forth. Up and down. Open and closed. Even as I straighten my back and cross my legs, I can feel and sense this movement. I see my dog’s body rise and fall with each breath. I see the trees swaying in the wind and the sun poking through the clouds. I feel my heart beat and my pulse quicken. And as I write, I find my flow and lose it. I remember and forget again. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to never forget? For the sun to always shine? To live a life that never ends? I’m not sure I’d actually like to know.

I do know this—the world will never be as I want it to be until I want it to be as it is. There will never be a definitive moment when good conquers evil and light wins out over darkness. As long as I go on expecting it to be as I think it should, I will go on being disappointed and upset. I will go on thinking life is hard and there is no hope. The problem will always be out there, outside myself – if only these people behaved differently, if only they knew what I know. But rather than an endless fight to “correct the faults of the gods,” as Seneca puts it, I have a choice. I can play the passive victim or I can take responsibility for myself and what is in my power to control. I can choose the world as it is here and now. I can accept and lean into whatever comes my way – another opportunity to practice and learn, to remember and begin again. Because this is exactly what I need right now. Because happiness, Fred Shoemaker says, is choosing what you get.

I see my spiritual journey as a process of confronting attachment – awakening to my expectations about how the world and the people in it should be. This is why Ram Das would delight in people who triggered or upset him. He reflects, “If I am angry with you because your behavior doesn’t fill my model of how you should be, that’s my problem for having models. If you are a liar and a cheat, that’s your Karma. If I’m cheated, that’s my work on myself.” This is the spiritual ideal of nonattachment. It is not about transcending the world and its messiness, but about releasing my attachment to it being a certain way. When I remain attached, or when I play the passive victim, life is hard. I feel disconnected. I feel a tightness in my body and in my perception. I vibrate slowly and the world moves quickly. When I recognize and release my attachments, on the other hand, I make life easy. I feel empowered as the leader of my life, capable of deciding how I show up, how I think about myself and others, how I respond to the world’s perpetual invasions. I vibrate quickly and the world moves more slowly. I am able to practice living from the soul. 

This ideal of making it easy, of releasing attachment and deciding how I show up, does not mean life itself suddenly becomes easy. It means I choose to think of it and engage it with ease. I slow down and release my tight grip on how I want and expect things to be. It is a reminder of what is in my control, encouraging me to act with intention. In this way, I appreciate the distinction Steven Pressfield makes between intention and willpower in The War of Art: “Intention is more powerful than willpower. Willpower, the power of the ego, gets results, sometimes unintended. By comparison, intention is soul power, a spiritual commitment and energy. It elicits unseen forces in service of the purpose and vision that wants to come through us and through our leadership.” This intention, this soul powered leadership, is unconditional. It doesn’t wait for people to be a certain way. Instead, it says I’m going to be a certain way because this life, this moment, is too important and too precious to be any other way. We are all walking each other home, Ram Das said. Forgive the sin and love the sinner, Thaddeus Golas wrote. That is what I commit to practicing, because I commit to recognizing anyone and everyone I meet as myself in another life.

Then life happens. I inevitably fall on my face, again and again. I condemn the sin and hate the sinner. I put myself first. I remain attached. Nevertheless, I still commit to making it easy. Making an effort to catch myself when I make life hard, when I tighten my grip and react to the world’s invasions. Reminding myself of how I choose to be in the world – living from the soul, being the change I want to see, meeting others where they are. In Born to Run, Caballo Blanco approaches running in this way: first make it easy, then light, then smooth. Then, you will be fast. First be, then do, then you inevitably have. But first be. First make it easy. Lead with soul powered intention. My faith, if I can call it that, is that the rest follows.

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Mary Oliver

Reclaiming Our Soul