Hi there. My name is John. I am 30 years old and currently live in Boulder, CO. If you’ve read any of my previous writing, thank you. I go through phases of feeling really good about what I’ve shared and then in my lower moments cringing and thinking I see right through myself. Last fall, I started a Master’s degree in Buddhism-informed Contemplative Counseling at Naropa University. Last week, I decided to withdraw from the program. There are a number of reasons for this decision, but I think I’ve known from the start that I wasn’t committed in the way I needed to be. I’m hopeful about what might be next for me and I want to share about my recent explorations and present curiosities.
I’ve written about my struggle with addiction in previous posts and one month ago I made a commitment to myself, in a different way than I have previously, to stop drinking alcohol. I have stopped drinking at different times in my life, but I’ve never counted days or really shared honestly with people in my life about my struggle. I think back to college and the way drinking kind of crept up on me, then gradually sank its teeth into me when I worked in Denver. My drinking has always been in such stark contrast to the other ways I try to prioritize my health and wellbeing. I remember drinking days before I ran my first marathon, with each sip asking myself what am I doing? Why am I letting this happen? It can feel really scary to me at times the way I harm my body for a short-term high, the way I choose evening pleasure over tomorrow’s fulfillment.
This time, stopping feels different. I don’t know what it is exactly, but I feel like I have finally had enough. Drinking played a role in my decision to leave Naropa and I’m especially grateful for three people in my cohort who supported me a month ago when I reached out asking for help. Since then, there have only been a few times when I’ve considered going to the liquor store. And each time I’ve felt this strengthening of an inner capacity to say no, that doesn’t serve me, that actively sabotages my mission and purpose in life, which is to be an example of someone who occupies his body and expresses his truth with freedom, and authenticity, and joy, and belonging.
Sharing about this here feels like another important step. I am proud of myself for the courage to share and speak to parts of myself that I’ve spent so much energy trying to hide and suppress. I view my addictive tendencies as a response to a very real feeling of separation and lack. They are coping mechanisms, however fruitless and self-defeating, to numb the pain of my self-abandonment. I’m excited by the progress I’m starting to notice in my body since I’ve stopped drinking. I feel how I am coming back into alignment around my spine. I feel my core strengthening and my chest opening. I feel the momentum building.
I was inspired recently revisiting a question posed by my friend Sadia Bruce: “What if it were not so much about taking your power back as it is about assuming the posture—somatic, emotional, spiritual, energetic—that allows the unlimited power to which you always have access, to flow through you unobstructed?” Ever since I started this blog, I’ve questioned my use of the word reclaiming. It feels possessive and separate—as if there is something out there that I currently lack, rather than something within me, an unlimited power, to which I always have access. But I can also appreciate what reclaiming prompts in me. I feel how it orients me in some way towards taking accountability for what is in my power to control. It helps me remember how I have the power in every moment to decide, to assume the posture, to step into my life. I feel a renewed hope and excitement for what I’m being given the opportunity to explore and open up to.
There is a song within each of us asking for space to come through. There is a sound that only you can make. A truth that only you can express. I want to hear it the way that only you can say it. And I want to say it the way that only I can too. This blog is part of my attempt to do just that. I’m excited to keep writing and sharing and opening up to new connections and possibilities. This life is an opening up. It is a stepping into. Our world is alive and asking for our attention. Thank you for yours here now.
December 20, 2024. We forget and remember everyday…
Reclaiming Our Soul 
5 responses to “A New Hope”
Thank you, John. I so look forward to your writing. You are unique and special and I’m grateful for you and your honesty. You are beautiful in every way!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi John! Thank you for sharing your very inspirational post. It was particularly helpful for me this week because I was dealing with some old struggles that I was having difficulty expressing. Your honest accounts of your struggles inspired me to dig deeper into what was coming up for me and I was able to more effectively communicate my experience to the person I was triggered by. You sharing your inner thoughts really helped me to get in touch with mine. Thank you again and please know that sharing really does help others!
LikeLiked by 1 person
thanks for sharing your voyage .. the authenticity in your words is inspiring…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I feel so good every day since I stopped drinking…I make mocktails with some type of fruit that I squeeze or put through blendtech and then sparkling water…keeping myself hydrated combined with the flavor leaves me satisfied with no need to have alcohol. I watch my thoughts and often see an idea that might have gained traction if I was flying on ‘jet fuel’ (my nickname for alcohol). I can see now how those decisions were made ‘under the influence’…they are shallow, not well conceived and often intrusive to those I care about. I’m glad you are writing John. I began writing over 40 years ago. In retrospect, I see how my mature thinking developed from ideas and dreams that I’ve been writing about for decades. Writing has given me the perspective of then and now. That perspective tells me that I need to keep writing…I may have something important to say. I recently started investigating how kids learn mobility and balance before they can speak. We are born with a system that consolidates experiences which is a stimulus that develops our neural network. That system gets forgotten during the time of rote learning. It’s very unusual for adults to realize they have a system that doesn’t need words to learn. I’m not criticizing words…I’m saying they are 1 of 2 operating systems we have…to learn to use the system that we used learning mobility and balance brings us into balance as an adult human. How to experience our natural system that we used as a child is a common question. Go outside and listen to the wind…does your mind quiet? What else can you feel while listening for the breeze? Ground under foot, bird calls, sun warmth? All of those sensations are always available and we don’t notice them when we are operating by rote in language…shifting to sensation processing begins by noticing how quiet the mind becomes while listening…in golf, during the routine is when the mind quiets for players who play with feel…for the masses, it’s a script and after the performance, there is a re-write or a new script…not much sensation…judgement and self talk block feels…keep writing John…it’s going to be fun to see you find your gift. Probably it’s a bit confusing because you have many gifts…embrace them all and sooner or later the one or ones that feel exciting and fulfilling will become your focus…call anytime…my life is pretty simple now and I’m finally healthy. Aloha. Bill Greenleaf
LikeLiked by 1 person
I am so proud that you have shared this with your readers. Not an easy task to be so vulnerable. I really appreciated the concept that there is power to which we always have access, that we can allow to flow through us unobstructed. To understand we are “obstructed” is a real eye opener, especially if we consider ourselves thoughtful, transparent, aware. For me that obstruction is probably my coping mechanism of choice -distraction. Oh how many hours, days, weeks have I wasted in an attempt to avoid thinking about the things that pain and alarm me. To what end? The pain is always there, hiding like so many whack a moles.
I have finally had enough too. I am tired of holding the demons at bay with only my scrawny old lady muscles. They are too diligent. They can outwait me. Screw it. I am tired of saying or doing disingenuous things to make others feel more comfortable. I want my own comfort. I want my own ease. I want my own acceptance of everything, just as it is, horror and joy fused. No more “if onlys” or “what ifs.” Just “what is.” To just stop moving so frantically, release the grip on this invisible burden I am clutching so desperately, TNT the entire “obstruction,” and let some peace in.
I have like 5 truly zenned out, enlightened cells inside of me and those are the wise ones (the rest are making lists, cooking, or watching Netflix). If they can consistently remind me to accept, accept, accept… then maybe the peace I seek will not be so elusive.
Love your writing and your honesty and insights so much. you are part stardust from some really cool old souls
LikeLiked by 1 person