This post is longer, and perhaps different, than what I’ve shared before on my blog. It feels important to me, and like I’m writing as a gift or an offering to myself. I’m sharing it as an invitation to explore with me.

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On January 3, 2017, I had brain surgery to remove a cavernous malformation in my left temporal lobe. The benign tumor bled, triggering a seizure in the Fall of my senior year at Colorado College. The surgery went well and my doctor said I could return to Colorado in two weeks to finish my degree and graduate on time. He also told me that for the next two or three months, I couldn’t run or play tennis on the school team. I could, however, play golf. 

At this time, I didn’t like golf. I had tried to play growing up with my Dad, but I seemed to lose all sense of athleticism and coordination every time I tried to play. I remember my Dad encouraging me to try throwing the golf club to the target, to get the feel of releasing the club through impact. I have an image in my mind of releasing the club straight up into the air and to the left, into a nearby tree. “That doesn’t work,” I thought to myself. 

Through high school and college, I caddied at Winged Foot in the Summer. I always felt out of place and exposed there. I wasn’t friends with the other members’ sons and I didn’t play golf. But I would show up early in the morning, put my name on the list, and sit on the bench hoping I’d get called out for a loop. I read and avoided eye contact. Over time, I started to learn my way around the golf course. I developed relationships with the other caddies that I still cherish today, especially when I go back to Winged Foot to play. My experience as a caddie feels priceless. I learned so much about the game and about myself— lessons I’m not sure I would have learned if I grew up playing. 

As I recovered from brain surgery back in Colorado Springs, I started going out alone to a local 9 hole course. They didn’t have a range, and I’d usually go out around 5 or 6 pm and just walk onto the course without paying. The pro shop was always closed and no one seemed to care. I don’t remember those solo walks too well, but I do remember how I started to notice some progress in my game. I was developing my feel and athleticism with a golf club in hand. And as I felt myself improving, I started to fall in love with the game.

I was able to graduate on time and when I moved back home to CT for the summer, I continued to play. My Dad took me to Fred Shoemaker’s Extraordinary Golf school, which has been the single biggest influence on my approach to golf. My love for the game grew immensely. As an unemployed religious studies major, I spent the summer practicing and playing. And at the end of that summer, I decided to travel alone to Scotland. My Dad enthusiastically talked through all the special places I could go, the hidden gems and the celebrated classics. I think he also offered some very sound advice on planning a solo trip. My hope was to travel around the country for 3 weeks playing golf, before meeting my Dad and my two cousins, Brian and Kevin, at Lahinch in Ireland. 

So, off I went. And instead of a well planned itinerary, I decided to fly into Glasgow with only two nights booked, staying at The Corrie Hotel on the Isle of Arran. I would spend my first two days there playing at Shiskine Golf & Tennis Club— and then the rest would just fall into place. Right? Of course, it wasn’t that simple or easy and the trip exposed a lot. Recently, I was reading back over my journal notes and remembering why I have so much love for Scotland, for the people there, the links they play on, and the way in which golf is so intimately tied to all aspects of life. Reading my notes felt like a sort of homecoming, filled with reminders about who I am and who I was and what I was wrestling with during that time.

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Our Real Work

It may be that when we no longer know what to do
we have come to our real work,
and that when we no longer know which way to go
we have come to our real journey.
The mind that is not baffled is not employed.
The impeded stream is the one that sings.

Wendell Berry

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To the Isle of Arran, Scotland

Tuesday 8/15/2017 – I had an interesting day today.

By interesting, I think I meant bad— or at least not good. I flew into Glasgow and took a taxi to the train station. My plan was to take the train to the ferry, which would then take me to the Isle of Arran, where I hoped to squeeze in a round at Shiskine. But when the ferry dropped me off, I learned that the bus that would take me to Shiskine wouldn’t arrive for another 3 hours. So instead, I decided to take a different bus to play Lamlash Golf Club, the oldest course on the Isle of Arran, established in 1889.

When I got there though, I realized I had no place to store my bags as the pro shop was closing up and they would be gone by the time I finished my round. So I started feeling really anxious and wondering how I would be able to get to the hotel. I first checked the bus schedule and it wasn’t promising. Then with the help of a woman inside the bar room I called three different taxi drivers. Luckily, the guy I was calling earlier to see if he could drive me to Shiskine finally answered and said he would be there in 15 minutes and drop me at my hotel. I thought I’d feel better just getting settled.

When I got to my room I was feeling really down and upset at myself for thinking I could just show up to Scotland and figure everything out.

Really I think I was just feeling lonely.

I seek out solitude but I’m at my best when I’m engaged with other people and I’m happiest when I feel like I’m making other people happy.

My most enduring memories from my time in Scotland all revolve around the people I met there.

I sat with a very nice family on the ferry over to the Isle of Arran. I invited them to sit with me when I saw them looking for a place and we talked the whole way over there. The mother, Kate, was in the Coast Guard and knew where Wilton was. She had three kids and her husband with her and they reminded me in some ways of our family, especially when we traveled to Ireland. I joked with the kids and shared my fries and then we exchanged numbers after. When I was stuck waiting for a bus I called Kate and she was helping me find some means of transportation. They had a car with them but were unfortunately too far away by the time I called to get me to Shiskine. But I am realizing more and more how easy it is for me to engage with other people and have positive interactions with them. It really reinforced my belief or assumption that, given the chance, people will exceed your expectations and try their best to help.

Kate and her family were from the United States, so I imagine that helped me feel comfortable with them right away. I wasn’t as sure about the Scots at first.

I was just sitting alone eating at the hotel and started talking with some of the other adults sitting around me. Something I’ve noticed already, and I could be wrong about this, is that a lot of the Scottish people seem to initially be a bit rude or unfriendly. But, whenever I have noticed this I’ve found that as we continue talking, the person suddenly seems to be happy and open, interested in hearing what I am doing. I have to remember that not everyone has the same social ways of being as I do. We all have different normative expectations and understand the ways we talk and act in different ways.

“Normative” reeks of academia. I’m smiling at myself and the way in which I seem to drift between assuming the worst and being surprised by the best. My assessment of Scottish people as initially rude or unfriendly probably says more about the state I was in at the time. It is something I still struggle with, projecting and anxiously fearing the worst case scenario in any given moment or interaction. I suppose my biggest takeaway is that the world doesn’t revolve around me, I am not the center of everyone else’s world, and sometimes all it takes to connect with another is to look them in the eyes with respect and curiosity and a willingness to be seen as I am in that moment. 

Reading my words brought me right back to this time in my life, to that feeling I had alone in Scotland for the first time, without WiFi or a plan. What I did have was a desire to make the most of my time there, along with a somewhat shaky belief or faith that things would work out— I just needed to show up, ask for help, and stay open to more than what my anxious lonely mind could envision.

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Shiskine (Day 1)

Wednesday 8/16 – Today I woke up at 7 and went downstairs for breakfast. I had two eggs (one with a black hair right on top) and some coffee then got the 8:18 bus down to Blackwaterfoot. I told the driver I was playing at Shiskine so he dropped me off just before the town. I walked along the coast to the clubhouse with a light rain falling and the wind howling off the sea.

I didn’t write about this, but I remember school children getting on the bus along the way. It felt like a glimpse into life on the island, as I watched these cute little kids with their backpacks running over to the bus, their parents waving goodbye. I also remember the route we took from The Corrie Hotel to Blackwaterfoot, but wonder if I’m misremembering. When I look up directions now, it shows a bus running through the middle of the island. I think we took the longer route along the coast, going counter-clockwise around the island. 

When I arrived at Shiskine, I was wondering if the course was even open. The wind was blowing so strongly that I struggled to open the door to the pro shop. The man I spoke to when I checked in seemed a little puzzled by me, but told me I could tee off whenever I was ready.

I was feeling very rushed for some reason. The starter had said that some other groups were heading out about 15 minutes after me and I saw a sign next to the first tee about playing fast. I ended up playing the 12 holes in under 1.5 hours and really wishing that I had felt more relaxed and taken in the course a bit more.

I felt like I flew through this round. Shiskine is a 12 hole playground over some of the finest links ground I’ve ever walked. I made my first ever birdie in Scotland on the par-3 3rd hole, called “Crow’s Nest.”

The shot is completely blind, uphill and protected by a ridge right in front of the green. I had 120 yards, down wind, and hit a smooth 54 degree wedge shot. I thought I might not get it to the green but the ball hit the top of the ridge and kicked forward and slightly left. When I got up to the hole I was just off the green with about 10 feet to the hole.

I made the putt and was surprised to see a group of 3 on the next green. They waved me through and I got up and down for par after missing the green right.

I introduced myself to the other players and they told me to just go ahead as they were not playing fast. I actually asked to join and was hoping that would help me settle in a bit and feel like I could take my time. But I didn’t want to pressure them so I went ahead.

This rush I was in throughout the round seemed to be about my insecurity as a golfer. I was worried about messing something up or somehow failing to adhere to rules that I knew and/or made up. I had very little experience at that time playing with other people. Even with my experience caddying, I still felt like an outsider and imposter when I carried my own clubs.

The par-3 5th is a 212 yard hole called “The Point,” right on the point where land meets sea. The wind had really picked up by now and I was playing right into the wind. I hit a 4 iron and it seemed to go about 100 yards. I quickly made a bogey 4 and moved on.

Welcome to Scotland. After the round, I checked the bus schedule in the pro shop and then got a bite to eat. I made it back to the hotel again feeling down and lonely. I had decided to go to Machrihanish next and needed to figure out where I would stay and how I would get there.

I got back to the hotel and just didn’t know what to do. It was pouring rain and my only means of transportation was the bus. The wifi doesn’t work in my room so I went downstairs and figured out my travel plans for tomorrow. I have to check out of my room by 11 am tomorrow so I’m going to check out before I get the bus at 8:18 but leave my backpack and duffel bag with the staff. Then I’ll go play Shiskine again, get the 12:07 bus back to Corrie and then get ready for the ferry from Brodick to Ardrossan at 4:40. I’ll then get on the ferry to Campbeltown at 6:40, which arrives right next to my hotel at 9:20.

I kept thinking about how nice it would be to play these courses with Dad and just have him here with me.

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Shiskine (Day 2)

Thursday 8/17 – I had an amazing round of golf today at Shiskine with Harry, his father Gordon, and Grandfather, an incredibly nice, funny 88 year old man. He had a short little swing and hit driver on almost every hole, hitting it dead straight about 100-150 yards depending on how far it rolled. I played with him in a match against Harry and Gordon. Harry just graduated from Uni in Aberdeen and played international rugby. He was, like his father and grandfather, very welcoming and fun to talk to.

I got off the bus in Blackwaterfoot and walked the short distance to the first tee at Shiskine. I didn’t have a tee time and was about to go check with the starter and see if I could just go out right away. Before I got there, though, Gordon saw me walking alone and asked if I wanted to join them. I said I would love to and they were so happy to be showing someone like me around and that they were able to play a real match with four players. I told Gordon I was going to go to the pro shop quickly to pay but he smiled and told me not to worry about that. So I just walked to the first tee, introduced myself to Harry and waited for the others to join us.

As we walked up the first fairway, Harry and I started talking and I just felt so happy to be with people who were so open and simply wanted to enjoy their time on the course.

I was so content the whole round. I stood over the ball and wasn’t really thinking about anything. I just got set and swung. I was striking the ball really well all day but couldn’t get my putts to fall. I never felt rushed or nervous and felt like I was really seeing the course and the scenery for the first time. It was beautiful.

Gordon and Harry were 1-up on the last hole after I made a nice 3 on the 11th and they won the match with a par on the 12th. Harry’s grandmother came out and met us as we were walking off the green and invited me in for some coffee and a scone. She was going to play in an event that afternoon. They were all so nice and I was wishing I could have spent more time with them. But they offered to drive me the short distance to the bus stop and I said my farewells.

I got back to the Corrie Hotel (which, Gordon told me, is about as far as I could have stayed from the course) and had the salmon and asparagus that I had for dinner the night before. Then I just read in the common room for a while and got the bus to the ferry.

It’s 10:30 here in Campbeltown and I just arrived at my room. I have a 9:24 tee time tomorrow morning at Machrihanish. I’m very excited to play the course and hopefully I’ll get to play with others who know the course.

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Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease
into the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

David Whyte